As you might have guessed from my less-than-positive tweets, today has just sucked.

I try to stay upbeat. Even though that’s hard when I’m so exhausted, I keep trying, because if I lose my positivity, my hope, that’s the first step down a very slippery slope. And I know I have a lot to be grateful for.

But today was one of those days where I just reached the end of whatever it is that’s keeping me going.

This morning

I only had about three hours sleep because I was up most of the night worrying about my tax return bill and suffering from anxiety, pain and RLS. I had to get up earlier than usual to go and see my doctor, whose office is 45 minutes away.

The good news is that he still feels like he can help me – this is the specialist, not my GP. Last time I saw him, be prescribed a bunch of things which did seem to work for a little while, but then I couldn’t afford to see him again so I had a relapse. According to him I have a candida infection in my intestines caused by (of course) antibiotics. My digestive issues are caused by this and by the extreme amount of stress my body has gone through, and my fatigue is partially because I’m not getting enough nutrition. $257 and half an hour later, I have a prescription to kill the candida, instructions to have Zero Sugar in my diet (nooooo), a new digestive supplement called Glutanenics, and two month’s worth of VitB12 injections.

I don’t mind needles but I *hate* injecting myself. Beetus friends, I feel for you.

I really should have come straight home after the doctor, but I felt stubborn. I get so fucking sick of sitting on the couch doing nothing all the time. I had a few errands to do and I really, really just wanted to do them by myself. I wanted to feel like myself again, just for a little while.

Of course, I didn’t. I felt exhausted, dizzy, weak, and very, very alone, standing on the footpath in the middle of the city. I had my stick with me. I’m getting used to it, and it helps so much to have something to lean on. The interesting thing is, people treat me differently when I have my stick.

It’s weird that suddenly, my illness is visible to others.  Today I encountered nothing but kindness (my shaking hands may have also helped) – except for the one woman who also spoke very slowly, as if carrying a stick meant I couldn’t understand her.

This afternoon

I needed to go to IRD, and Specsavers, and AA. Ordinary, small things for a healthy person. Massive things for me.

I had a meeting with IRD last week, in regards to the tax bill I will soon owe, and my inability to pay it. The case worker I had was lovely, and I also took a support person with me, which went some way to correct the power imbalance I’ve spoken about before. I was told I had a good chance of receiving support for the bill, but that I had to fill out a form and write a letter to support my case.

I have never come across such a confusing form in my life! After three goes, I had managed to fill out most of it, but I still had questions so I went in today to ask. The person on the desk was helpful and said I needed to include my latest financial statement from my accountant – which I didn’t have with me. Of course.

At SpecSavers, I found another helpful person who explained my glasses quote to me much more thoroughly than the last one, and we worked it out cheaper. I’ll order my new glasses Thursday.

Then I had to go to AA to update my driver’s license which expires next week. But they of course needed to do an eye test – and I didn’t have my glasses.

After all this, I was beyond exhausted and almost in tears. I’d had to walk several blocks and my legs felt like jelly. But I really, really wanted to get these things done. I have list anxiety – I get very obsessive about crossing things off my to-do lists. So I went home and got my glasses, and the financial statements. I handed those in successfully to IRD – so now I just have to wait to see if they will approve my financial hardship application, and I’m so, so anxious about it. Then I went back to AA – and failed my eye test. Which means I needed to go back to SpecSavers and get a form from them saying I have new glasses…

Round and round in circles Sarah goes!

I didn’t go back to SpecSavers. I decided to ask them Thursday when I order my glasses. Instead, I went to the Bridge Street Collective and thought I would use my laptop for a bit to do some writing (yes, I’d been lugging it round with me).

My laptop was dead and I had forgotten the battery.

Some days, the only real course of action is just to go back to bed.