I wrote the below a while ago, and thought I would share it today, since I’m really too sick to write anything at the moment.
Obviously, since I got sick, my life changed a lot. All the things I loved to do before – working, walking, gym, road trips, evening pints, cat-bothering – I can’t do any more. Well, I might do a little of the last, when Carina comes close enough.
I am trying to make these blogs interesting for everyone, but for you to get a real insight, and for me to be utterly honest: here’s the long and short of it:
Being sick is fucking BORING.
I want to do all of the things, but instead, I have to rest, rest, rest. It is absolutely stultifyling tedious. I have to endure my own company, day in and day out. For EIGHT MONTHS NOW.
Some days, I manage a 20 minute walk around the block, and it is the most exciting thing ever. Does that sound boring to you? Well, it IS!
I was so thrilled when I could even do a little work – up to two hours a day, every second day – just to break the time up.
It’s amazing what you can actually find to do, when you can’t move more than a few square meters and you’re maniacally searching for something to distract you from the endless monotonous chatter of your own brain. (Yay, anxiety!)
Cross stitching. Card making. Writing letters. Am I 60? No! I’m 20-fucking-6!
I mean, I jest. I’ve come to really enjoy these things, and I’m glad I’ve found them. But they hardly measure up to road trips, running media campaigns, and just simply being able to go out with my friends.
It’s no wonder I’e become obsessed with the small things – like food. I end up thinking about food constantly: how I’m going to manage to eat enough to get the nutrition I need without throwing up, how I’m going to have the energy to cook, how I’ll manage to force myself to eat when all food hurts me, both physically and mentally.
If I don’t rest, I’m rewarded with pain, exhaustion, and days of nausea. If I do, I’m rewarded with less pain, exhaustion, and nausea.
So, enforced stillfullness it is. On and on and on.